What if one of my sons is gay?

After posting on Facebook this article "Is the Pearl Too Great a Price?" about LGBT suicide, I was asked how I would react if one of my sons came out to me. Would I encourage him to act on his homosexual feelings or encourage him to stay with the church and remain celibate? (This is not an unlikely scenario since I suspect one of my sons is gay.*)

Here was my response:

If one of my sons (biologically it would most likely be the last because later birth order significantly increases the likelihood of being gay) comes out to me here is what I will do (or try to do... no one is perfect).

1. I will make sure he knows that I love him no matter what 
2. I will teach him that he needs the Holy Ghost in his life 
3. I will remind him that I will love him no matter what
4. I will also remind that promiscuity does not promote spirituality. (Sex before marriage is a bad idea, even for gay marriage. If he decides he is going to act on his gay desires, but can't find a guy willing to wait until after they get married, perhaps he's not the right guy.)
5. I will teach him to fast to know the will of the Lord for him, to study the scriptures, to invite the Lord into their life through prayer
6. I will reiterate that I love him
7. I will invite him to talk with one or two of my MoHo friends who have managed successful mixed orientation marriages. (I did not add that I would likely come out to him, but when the time is right, I likely would.)
8. Then if he decides to enter into a mixed orientation marriage, I will ask him to make sure that he is certain before he takes the plunge, reminding him of both the blessings that will be his as well as the unique challenges he will face, reminding him that President Hinkley has warned that gay members not marry as a cure for homosexuality.
9. If he does get married (in either direction), I will rejoice with him in his entering a relationship that will require him to sacrifice and love in a way he never has before.
10. I will pray that the Lord never give up on saving him (and his spouse) regardless of what happens.
11. I will love him.

* And here are my son's current crushes

Not the raccoon, in case you were curious.

And this one... of which I whole-heartedly approve:

Things that make me mourn

This is not ok.

http://rationalfaiths.com/pearl-great-price/

"I like your socks!"

So a couple of months back as I climbed the stairs at work I noticed the guy in front of me had on cool socks. When we got to the landing I said, “I like your socks.”

He turned around and smiling broadly said, “Thanks!”

Two things happened. First, my gaydar immediately kicked in. Hard. Second, I started crushing on him. (To be completely honest, I'm not sure which happened first.)

He was a little shorter than I usually go for, but he was fit, well-dressed, and nerdy cute. What can I say? I have a thing for nerds.

I immediately started to keep on the lookout for the cute nerd and a few days later figured out where he sat. OK. I’ll admit it. I let my stalker tendencies (we all have them to one degree or another) kick in a bit. And thanks to name tags on cubicle walls I now knew his name. Dan*.0

Later that night, thanks to modern technology and the fact that he has a very unique last name, I was able to locate him on Facebook. From his few public pics I confirmed my gaydar is functioning at peak performance.

If I were in high school, I would have started fantasizing about dating him, having a life together, and let's be honest, sex. (Isn't that what all high school boys think about?) I'm older now and happily married. But that didn't stop me from crushing a little. It’s just now my crushing mainly involves friendship instead of romance. We’d become fast friends. I imagined inviting him and his partner over for Sunday brunch. (My wife would eat him up.) It’s like my brain starts thinking “I'm gay; you're gay; surely we'll be good friends.” (I know it’s absurd. It’s about as sensical as saying “Hey, I like blue; you like blue; surely we’ll be good friends.” It’s a fantasy; fantasies regularly throw sense and reason out the proverbial window.)

I realize that my daydreaming, while not sexual like my adolescent obsessions, was no less unhealthy than those fantasies that filled my teenage mind.

There is really only one solution I have learned for taming these dysfunctional thoughts. Fantasies fail to see the object of our affection as a fellow son or daughter of God. This is true whether the fantasy is of the sexual or Sunday brunch variety. As soon as I remind myself that my dream-boy is loved by Heavenly Father as a son, my fantasy fades and I find myself back on planet Earth.

I have found one of the best ways to do this is to introduce myself. As soon as I tell him my name and a little about me and he tells me his name and a little about himself we cease being one human with a daydream and become two human beings sharing a connection.

And so, after about three months, I am proud to say my cute nerd’s name is Daniel. Sure. I knew that already, but somehow it’s different when he tells you.

*Names fudged to protect the guilty… namely me.

Lane boy

Because this is how I'm currently feeling about things:

"They say stay in your lane boy, lane boy
But we go where we want to"

"Don't trust a perfect person and don't trust a song that's flawless"

Words without action

This article patting the Church on the back for mourning with families of LGBT who have committed suicide is making the rounds. I too applaud the Church for it's kind words. But words are not enough.

As an institution we kick you out, then we say through a spokesman that we cry with your family when you kill yourself because among other reasons you didn't feel wanted.

The article says parents should create "healthy, constructive relationships and environments." Then gives as an example, "Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints once was asked how he would respond if his 17-year-old son said he was gay. 'You’re my son,' Elder Oaks said. 'You will always be my son, and I'll always be there to help you.'" This is nice. Exactly the response a parent should give if backed up by action.

Unfortunately the Deseret News article doesn't quote Elder Oaks later in the same interview when he said, "I can also imagine some circumstances in which it might be possible to say, ‘Yes, come, but don’t expect to stay overnight. Don’t expect to be a lengthy house guest. Don’t expect us to take you out and introduce you to our friends, or to deal with you in a public situation that would imply our approval of your "partnership"."

In other words, "I love you son (with my mouth and lips), but my heart is far from you."

This is the problem with the Church's current rhetoric: it is words without action.

5 things I believe; 5 things I know (plus one I'm not sure about)

I was in mourning again today as the church doubled down on it's exclusionary policy. So I wanted to take stock of my testimony.

Things I believe:
1.) I have witnessed many miracles that strengthened my faith in God. Would I call it a perfect knowledge? No, but it's definitely moving in that direction.

2.) I believe God is there watching over all of us, including the weak, old sinner me.

3.) I believe that Christ has the power to save us all, if we will come to Him and develop charity. (Even our LGBT brothers and sisters who enter into same-sex marriages.)

4.) I believe God wanted me to marry my wife, even though part of me really wanted to find my own personal Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I apparently like guys in ties

5.) I also believe in the power of personal revelation.

Corollary to #5: I believe that someone who is not me (see #4) may pray to their Heavenly Father and feel that He has said that gay marriage is ok (for them).


Things I know:
1.) I know without a shadow of a doubt, with every fiber of my being that gay marriage is WAY WAY better than random gay sexual hookups. Thus I am happy for my gay friends when they establish long-term, committed relationships. (And yes, I will attend their weddings if invited.)

2.) I know that forcible rape is a much worse sin than gay marriage. (I'm pretty sure than sexual abuse and attempted murder are too.)

3.) I know that children of gay couples are loved by our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ as much as children of heterosexual couples. And they need the gift of the Holy Ghost just as much as their neighborhood friends who are allowed to be baptized.

4.) I know that children of gay couples will learn about love and charity and kindness in ways that children who happen to be raised by a father and a mother will not.

5.) I know that I love my wife (see note below) and my awesome family (see here).


Things I don't know:
1.) If my wife died, I don't know whether or not I would enter into a homosexual relationship.
Seriously. No idea. (So don't even think about dying, dear.)

Perhaps I could find some other gaymobro who wanted to stay a non-practicing homosexual. (Maybe he'd have a sexy British accent. Even better if he looked like Damien Lewis. I don't normally go for gingers, but am willing to make exceptions.)

And suits

We could enjoy a monogamous, celibate life together. You know we would totally get married, just to mess with the people at Church (capital C). And who knows, if it turns out homosexuality is ok in the next life, my partner could also be sealed to my wife and we'd all live in a state of celestial, polyandrous, ménage à trois bliss.


Footnote: Why I love my wife: reason 979
Today when I was feeling grouchy (see link above), I opened my email to find a note from my wife.

It consisted of just this clip and two words: "You're welcome"

Seriously. Best wife ever.

Is it a sin?

"Is homosexuality a sin?"

This question I can only answer for myself. As I listen to my wife and son singing Rent together at the piano I realize how richly blessed I am. As we laugh together around the dinner table, I realize how richly blessed I am. I believe that for me, choosing homosexuality would have been against God's will for me because He wanted to bless me with this amazing family. (That does not make it easy day to day, but I do have some confidence that it is aligned with God's will for me in my life.)

But I don't speak for you.

I will say, however, I fear we often get so caught up in absolutes that we fail to recognize possible exceptions. Somehow, in a Handbook that found room for divorce and even abortion exceptions, we can't comprehend the possibility that, for some, gay marriage may be the best option. (I get that you can't write rules around exceptions. You've got to draw a line in the sandbox. Unfortunately when that line leaves little room for the variation in God's creation, many just choose to find a new sandbox.)

I have my answer. And I promise to support others as they get their own personal answer for what's right for them.